and you’re not going to save them.
The most difficult truth I’ve faced is that no one was going to save me.
I write about my time with drinking a lot, but this statement goes far beyond that now.
The reality is that individuals can only change when they make the decision to themselves.
The harsher reality is that most people are so stubborn or blind to the hurt and pain their decisions make on themselves and others, that they never get to the point of wanting to make the change.
Heck, even when we want to change, let’s say to lose weight, or build a habit, we still come up short most of the time.
The first time I realized this was in my journey with going sober. Over that hill for the most part, I’m starting to realize this same pattern of thinking over and over again.
The realization is that despite how many books I read, journal entries I write, or people I talk to, I’m only going to really change once I make the decision to.
I’ve talked a lot about my journey with this realization. But this time, I want to talk about saving others.
Admittedly, there are people in my life that with the snap of the finger I would give up so much of my internal peace, earthly possessions, or really just about anything to see them make the change they want to and I want them to.
But I can’t control that.
I’ve driven myself mad thinking about the fact that I can’t.
What more can I do?
What more can I say?
Is this my fault?
I’ve damaged so much of myself in trying to save them with hopeless questions, actions, frustrations, and self talks.
The hard truth is that until they are ready for it, any words or actions you say or take to help them out will fall on deaf ears.
It’s not a deliberate thing the person is trying to do. It’s human nature.
No one ever really thinks they are in the wrong, thinks they are hurting someone, or, more importantly, would ever want to realize that about themselves. That realization is hurtful so rarely do people deliberately seek that out and discover flaws about themselves.
Most of the time people think, “this isn’t a problem, this other person does things way worse.” They take the time to rationalize their actions with irrational justifications just to make themselves feel better about the situation. It happens to me, it happens to people I love, and it’s probably happening to you.
I can leave this post here. I can sign off this article by saying, “Don’t care about others. You can’t save them so leave them alone and move on. That’s the solution.”
But to me that’s not good enough. If we care enough to attempt to help these people, they are to some degree people we love. I do not want to give up on them, but I do find it helpful to domesticate the emotions tied to the journey of change.
There are three things I think about when I’m sullen and sad about the actions of other’s and my lack of control over their transformation.
Save yourself first – nothing is worse than someone out there intervening in other’s lives and trying to save them before they have their own live in order. At least a little bit.
We can’t think we know what’s best for other’s without trying to change our inadequacies first. Not only will it put us in a better position internally, but in the process of changing ourselves, we’ll realize how difficult it is to rework our lives in certain ways, to cut our habits, to look at different views.
Summarize: We’ll gain empathy.
Do not rob the person you love of finding rock bottom – Most people do not really make a change until they hit rock bottom. Until they are hopeless, alone, scared, and afraid. Feel the brunt of their actions.
They don’t feel the need to alter their path until they feel the full weight of all of the pain, suffering, and hurt their current path has put on their own and others’ shoulders.
By intervening into other’s lives, we only really rob people of that feeling – taking them even further away from implementing actual change in their lives because without the negative feedback, there is no reason or realization that what they were doing was bad.
It’s counterproductive to transformation.
Do not let your emotions intercede the requirement for change – hurt, embarrassment, and shame. That alone may hurt you, but thinking big picture is important.
Finally, don’t rob someone of their greatest story – Some rock bottoms are worse than others. For some it’s jail, for some it’s near death experiences, for some it’s a broken relationship.
It doesn’t really matter what rock bottom because out of any terrible experience, people have the ability to realize one thing: their purpose.
The best story of humanity is that of overcoming adversity.
Coming out of rock bottom is one of the most adverse situations humans can find themselves in and the battle out of it is the only redemption to a new life. Not just temporarily, but for good.
When we don’t allow people to hit rock bottom, we are not only robbing them of the requirements to change, but we’re also robbing them of purpose. Of the daily inspiration they will feel during the rest of their days as they know what bottom feels like and they don’t want to go there again.
I didn’t feel the value of money until wasting thousands.
I didn’t feel the value of family until I realized how much I hurt my own.
I didn’t feel the value of mental health until mine was crushed.
I know what rock bottom is in my life (and mine could have been so much worse). It was the worst time of my life filled with anguish, loneliness, and soul crushing personal conversations that I never thought I would be able to escape.
But I did.
That that knowledge and experience now allows me to pursue a life of purpose. It allows me to stay the course and when opportunities to fall back into my old habits present themselves, all I have to do is to think about that experience and feel it again. After that, the decision is clear. Never again.
By giving other’s the ability to feel the full weight of their actions, we give them the opportunity to change and become something greater.
We give them the ability to take a hard look at their lives and realize the hurt they’ve caused in hopes that they set out to atone for it.
Then, once they do, the one thing we can really do for them is to forgive.
Now, I’m not saying we should stay quiet when other’s do wrong to us. Or allow the people we love to crush their lives and potentially other’s without saying a word, but realizing that change can only happen when we want it to personally sets the expectation that no matter how hard we fight or care, it’s up to them.
You can use that to continue the relationship with that person and more importantly, make decisions with it in mind.
I’ll end with the Serenity Prayer that I heard first in an AA meeting as well as the program Al-Anon.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I hope you find serenity and peace.
Potential 