Have you ever seen the psychology study called the Marshmallow test?
It’s hilarious to watch. Researchers place a few kids in a room with one single marshmallow on a plate and tell them that if they don’t eat that marshmallow, the kids will get another.
Solid deal, right?
Being the armchair quarterback in the situation, it seems like an easy decision. Wait just a little bit and get double, who would turn that down?!
But once the researcher (adult) leaves the room, that’s where it gets interesting.
Once alone, the kids squirm in their chairs, touch and feel the marshmallow, and even have to get up and walk around because the desire of wanting the marshmallow is just wayyyy too strong to deal with. Despite knowing that they’ll get another if they wait just a few minutes, they can’t fathom waiting another second to taste the delicious taste of that mallow.
Eventually, some kids cave and eat it. Others wait.
This is one of my favorite studies because even though at the surface it seems childish and humorous while watching, the hard truth is most of us (I’ll speak for myself only here) aren’t much better in our daily lives than these kids are.
We laugh at the kids, but we do the same thing and act the same way daily.
We as rational adults might find this study elementary because our “rational” minds tell us we would wait.
I beg to differ, though.
A marshmallow might not cause us to cave into our emotional desires anymore since we’re ‘mature’, but replace the marshmallow with mimosas, donuts at the office, Amazon prime, or many of the other behaviors we call ‘adulting’ and we’re really no better than the kids in this video – unable to overcome our immediate desires for something great.
The marshmallow study illuminates a few behavioral tendencies of us humans, but the one that I see myself and others struggle with the most is overcoming instant gratification.
Giving into instant gratification at its surface seems subtle and a “part of life,” but being a slave to it myself, it’s the easy way towards addiction with alcohol, sugar, and really just about anything….even exercise.
Now, I’m not saying that the kids in the study who ate the marshmallow are all addicts, so please don’t put that on Twitter as the highlight of the article. But I used that mainly as a way to highlight a clear example of what instant gratification is so that we can assess when we do that in our lives, asking ourselves, “what are our marshmallows?”
In this article, I’m going to explain instant gratification, why it’s harmful, and a few ways to make it easier to overcome.
What is instant gratification?
Instant gratification is the desire to experience pleasure instantly and without having to wait any longer. Basically, it’s getting your immediate needs, immediately.
In the world of ‘now’ and in a world of abundance – where you can receive virtually anything at the click of a button – the ability to overcome instant gratification is becoming increasingly rare.
Want to blow your hard earned paycheck on new clothes? Amazon Prime will make that as easy as possible for you. Virtually no effort.
A bit hungry and craving some junk food while binging your new series? DoorDash or GoPuff will bring it right to your door and you can check out that new series everyone is raving about on Netflix.
Have a big project to work on, or you want to finally start your own business? Well, hold up a minute, Instagram needs you to scroll through their feed for a few hours!
Came across a tweet about a nuanced subject that just mildly ticks you off? Well, that rage is there so use it, tweet back!
Giving into those desires gives you that dopamine kick and you’re fired up for about 4 to 5 minutes, but then after that how do you usually feel? For me, not that great.
Humanity has ‘progressed’ in a lot of ways that have benefited us for the better, while at the same time, our most innate desires, emotions, physiology, and chemistry as humans has been hijacked and exploited by some of the most ‘successful’ and fast growing companies the world has ever seen to get us hooked on their product or service – and they ain’t stoppin.
Eddie, what’s the big deal though?! It’s just some food, a show, or just a few hours.
To some it may not be a huge deal to live a life as described above and like I admitted, I still fall into the traps. (shoot, as I’m sitting here writing this article I’ve scrolled aimlessly through Instagram a few times).
But for me, I was at my lowest point when I couldn’t overcome my instant desires. When I couldn’t wait for something better because what I wanted now was right in front of me!
I was like a kid in that study who ate the marshmallow within seconds. One bite.
The root of most of my problems
The inability to overcome instant gratification has been the root issue for most of my problems.
There are problems that I can control and there are problems that I can’t control. Outside problems like family issues, what the government is doing, pandemics, etc. are just outside of anything that I can control.
I can write your eyes off (talk your ear off replacement cuz writing, does that work?) about all of the issues I’ve had with controlling my emotions, but I’ll stick to what I usually talk about and that’s alcohol.
I was a slave to my emotions and desires when it came to booze. Whether it was celebrating an exciting week or trying to forget a tough one, when I wanted booze I didn’t wait a second. I gave in and went full tilt. I felt great at the time but then I’d wake up and the tilt would keep tilting.
I’d spend a ton of money on hungover snacks. I’d sit on my couch all day and binge Netflix. Once I caved into my emotions once (usually through booze), then the gates of desire would open wide up and I’d continue to do, well really whatever I wanted to, with no restraint.
Those actions I mentioned above may not necessarily seem that poor of a choice when you look at the actions alone. Eating cookies is fun, binging Netflix is fun, all of those things are pretty fun.
The issue with giving into immediate gratification is that it strips away at my goals, my ambitions, and my plans that I set out for myself.
I am giving up a better me in the future because my inability to overcome my emotions and desires this very moment.
Eating the marshmallow is not a bad thing, but when you’re promised another, it doesn’t make sense and we as outside viewers think, “how could you not wait?!”
It’s not about what you give into, it’s about what you’re giving up when you do give in.
When I give into booze, I was giving up self respect, my goals, my values, and a promising future.
When I give into eating sugar, I am giving up a life free of illness, confidence, an active life.
When I give into watching porn, I am giving up healthy, intimate relationships now and down the road.
When I quickly tweet or share a story because I’m angry, I am giving up the ability to become more knowledgable and empathetic to differing viewpoints.
I’m trading the opportunity for lasting fulfillment for temporary pleasure.
For me, when I’ve set a plan for my life that I’m excited about and know will take me to a better spot and make me a better person, the #1 reason every time I fall short on that goal is because of my inability to exhibit delayed gratification. I cave to my desires.
What about you…Think about any goal that you’ve set out for yourself. What’s gotten in your way?
Has it been something outside of your control or has it been the inability to overcome your desires for comfort, for that dopamine rush?
How is giving into instant gratification harmful?
We spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year with ourselves. Out of all of our thoughts, 99.9% of them are probably about ourselves.
The relationship we have with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have so it’s incredibly important to make sure it’s solid. When that relationship is fruitful, it leads to confidence, self esteem, and a happier life.
By giving into instant gratification, we are harming the relationship we have with ourselves.
Think about your relationship with friends. If you tell them one thing but do another, will that lead to a positive relationship? If you say I will show up at the airport at 3 pm to get you and you totally bail, do you think that will strengthen or harm your relationship?
So why do we treat ourselves any different?
I know what you might be thinking. “Eddie, it’s just one cookie, one show, one shirt, etc.“
I’m there with you! I think giving into pleasure a bit is not entirely wrong and realistically it’s going to happen.
But overtime, those decisions compound and those small little treats turn into daily routines. It happens faster than you think.
Bailing on your friend one time hopefully won’t ruin your friendship forever, but if you do it 5, 10, 15 times…you won’t have a friendship anymore.
Also, your mind plays tricks on ya.
Your mind will tell you that one more cookie, one more hour on Instagram, one more day off the gym will be enough. You’ll cave into your desires and then you can start!
But don’t let your mind fool you. Giving in will only strengthen your ability to give into your desires next time you’re presented with them.
You’re either building a muscle for overcoming instant gratification, or building the muscle to give into it with each decision you make.
So, how can you overcome and build the muscle of delayed gratification (opposite of instant gratification)?
Why people find it difficult to overcome instant gratification
Building delayed gratification is a skill that requires time and work.
Similar to getting into the gym and trying to build a muscle, it requires a plan where you’re starting small, preparing for the worst, and giving yourself time.
From my own experience and hearing other’s frustrations with their inability exhibit restraint, I have found some common themes on why it’s difficult:
- Lack of experience
- Lack of understanding
- Lack of certainty
Lack of experience
Most people will overestimate their mental strength.
They will wake up one day and say, “I will never drink again” or “I will never eat sugar again” or something very extreme because they are frustrated. Rightfully so.
The frustration is the fuel for change. It’s powerful. It’s necessary. I wasn’t able to go sober for over two years until I was so pissed off I could barely live with myself.
The issue is that people say these extreme statements without having even gone one weekend without drinking or one day without sugar.
This is similar to someone saying “I’m going to bench 405 today” but they haven’t benched pressed a day in their life.
You would call the latter insane. Most think the former is “empowering.” I think it’s stupid.
You can’t build a skill without experience. It’s like trying to become a better basketball player without stepping foot onto the court and just claiming that you’re better.
It just doesn’t happen. So, when you’re trying to overcome instant gratification and make some changes, you have to consider how much experience in the change you have had prior.
I went on and off drinking for 4-5 years before giving it up for good.
What will that experience do for you? Answer: help you realize you’re not going to die.
For most, exhibiting delayed gratification is life or death.
When you’re staring at a Long’s donut when you’re 3 days into your diet, there’s something inside you that legit makes it feel like you’re going to die if you don’t eat that donut.
Same thing with waking up early to go to the gym or giving up Netflix for reading. Your body aches and pains so much that you feel like life itself will be not worth living if you give up the desire.
You’ll be like the kids in the study that couldn’t even sit still because they wanted that marshmallow so bad!
If you’ve never actually overcome instant gratification, gotten some experience, and built that skill, you’ll think that feeling of death is true. You don’t know any better and your mind is strong enough to get you to believe it’s really the case.
But once you overcome once and realize that life will be ok, it makes it easier the next time to envision the feelings that will come later on.
You’ll even find that what’s on the other side of your desires is something much stronger, healthier, and fulfilling.
Lack of understanding
It’s coming up on New Years, so you might have some resolutions in mind. Here’s a question I have for you – Why do you want to change?
For most, the answer to that question is either nonexistent or shallow.
When people don’t have a plan, like I didn’t, and don’t internally understand why they want to make the change in the first place, they’re stuck flapping in the wind. The issue is that everyone wants to feel good and happy, so these immediate desires are the easiest way to feel good and happy.
Naval’s tweet is all you need to understand about pursuing pleasure for pleasure’s sake.
https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.jsIn an age of abundance, the pursuit of pleasure for its own sake leads to addiction.
— Naval (@naval) October 14, 2019
That’s why most people fail. They’ve created a plan without a real understanding of why they wanted to make a change in the first place.
This leads to the inability to feel good and happy by overcoming the pleasure because people are unaware of the beneficial trade off they are making by giving up the immediate desire and waiting for something more.
It’s like being asked to not eat the marshmallow, but also not being given another if you wait. Why would you wait?
What do I mean by trade off?
In the Marshmallow test study, the kids who exhibit restraint are rewarded with two marshmallows.
That reward is present in real life too, but in most cases it’s much better than a few marshmallows.
By avoiding sweets, you receive health, a happier life, energy, confidence.
By avoiding porn, you receive more loving, happier relationships, confidence.
By avoiding Netflix and reading instead, you receive wisdom, education, ideas, open mindeness.
By avoiding spending and instead investing or saving, you receive peace of mind, financial freedom, wealth.
Remember, by giving into instant gratification, you’re damaging the relationship you have with yourself and robbing yourself of future fulfillment and happiness. You have to build the understanding that there is something worth waiting for. There is something better.
Without a clear understanding of what that future fulfillment and happiness is or could be, there’s really not a reason to overcome the instant desire.
You can achieve this understanding through experience and relfection.
By getting more experience, like I talked about in the previous section, you’ll actually feel the emotions of pride, confidence, self respect, and happiness that comes with delayed gratification.
Another way to solve this lack of understanding is by reflecting. Consider why you’re actually wanting to make a change and find a deep purpose in that change.
The deeper and more truthful the purpose, the stronger the case to hold off on eating those snacks or scrolling through Instagram for hours.
For example, let’s say you want to lose weight.
Day 1 of the plan you’ve set out someone has brought donuts to work.
What do you think will be a stronger reason to avoid those donuts?
- A.) Wanting a six pack
- B.) Wanting to live a longer and happier life and give more of myself to my kids and grandkids.
Probably B.
A might work for some time and for some people, which is great, but I’ve found that for the most part shallow reasons lead to shallow results.
Let me be clear, the best purpose is the purpose that works. But eventually I have found that the shallow reasons become less important over time and you need deeper rooted reasons to make lasting changes.
Eddie, what if I can’t find a reason?
Well, most likely you’re wanting to make a change because you feel inadequate, you’re down, you’re lonely, you’re experiencing some negative consequences and you’re hurting…let that be your reason.
| What I want instantly | What I get if I wait |
| Sugar and junk food | Healthier body, healthier mind, longevity |
| Booze | Productivity, self confidence, more time with people I care about |
| Sleep in / be lazy | Focus, time with myself, reflection, stillness |
| Porn | Healthier relationships in the future, being able to look in the mirror |
| Social media | Writing, expressing my thoughts, self awareness, relfection |
Lack of certainty
The last reason I see people fail with overcoming instant gratification is the fact that there’s an uncertainty in the equation. We don’t do well with uncertainty.
By eating the donut in front of you, it’s guaranteed that you’ll get quick dopamine hit and will feel good for a bit.
By not eating the donut in front of you, it’s not guaranteed that you’ll have a healthier life. There is an opportunity that you will. You’re increasing your odds to living a healthier happier life. But it’s not guaranteed.
That makes people uncomfortable.
Well then Eddie, what’s the point?!
As Leonardi Dicaprio says in his famous Wolf of Wall Street speech (terrible representation of delayed gratification mind you), “I’ve been a rich man and I’ve been a poor. man, and I’ll choose rich every time!”
I’ve been a slave to my temptations and desires, and I’ve also overcome them. The feeling of confidence and self respect I have by overcoming them is 10x more satisfying than caving.
I would rather have the opportunity for a better life than the certainty of a poor one.
You have to find that out yourself.
Ways to overcome instant gratification
Ok, now let’s get into the meat and potatoes. It’s great to say we want to exhibit delayed gratification in our lives, build that rational case in our minds on why we should, and commit to it mentally. But we’re not rational creatures. We’re emotional. That’s the whole reason we’re here in the first place.
Here are some ways I deal with my emotions and use them to my benefit.
Start small start with one day
In the linked article, you’ll find why starting small and with only one day is key.
Don’t try to make huge changes that seem impossible. Win each day and build momentum for the long run.
Discover your purpose
Why do you want to make a change?
Fill in the gaps: I want to (insert change) because (insert purpose).
Go with what feels right and go with the truth. What gets you excited? Emotional? What will drive you to overcome whatever is in your way?
Write down your values
What are your values? Who are you as a person and what do you stand for?
Finding out your values helps you have roots in life. By having values, you know the changes you need to make the live by those values.
An easy way to find out what your values are is by looking at when you’ve felt terrible and empty inside. You most likely were doing something that didn’t align with who you are.
Once you write down those values, then ask yourself, “does giving into my immediate desires align with these values?”
Similar to building your purpose, values give you a few words or statements that you can live your life by to make decision making much easier.
Work from your baseline, not your aspirations
Instead of making vast changes by looking into your future aspirations, instead look at your past self.
Record your past behavior.
If you’re trying to workout more, how often do you workout now? Why have you not worked out more? What are your current habits?
If you’re trying to stop eating so much sugar, think about how much sugar you’ve had in the past week. If you’ve eaten sugar every day, start with not eating sugar for one day.
It’s definitely more exciting to create a plan that gets you to your end goal in a few weeks. While you’re creating that plan, it’s easy to overestimate what you can do.
It helps to be more realistic about your situation and work from your current behavior, but admittedly it’s not as fun.
Take what your current behavior is and add just a little bit or get rid of just a little bit. Focus overcome the most common desires you come across.
One thing at a time
It took me around 4-5 years to overcome my alcohol addiction. I was hyper-focused on that change alone and it still took me that long. During those years, I built the muscle of delayed gratification.
I tell you think because during that time I had so many other issues that I wanted to eliminate. Instead of spreading my effort between all of those changes, I instead became hyper-focused on eliminating only alcohol.
Once I eliminated alcohol, I had the process of making change down. I had experience. The path to other changes became more clear and I know what I was getting myself into.
So what change should you start with? The one that is the most frustrating to you. Think about all of the opportunities where overcoming instant gratification will present itself. Prepare for them.
Understand and (try to) avoid triggers
We are creatures of habits, even if we don’t see the habit.
Most likely, there are certain places, events, people, or times of day where instant gratification kicks in. Those places, events, people, or times of day are called Triggers.
For me, one of my key triggers for drinking was social events/celebrations. That seems obvious but I didn’t really realize that until I tried to stop. Anyways, when you identify your trigger, you can either avoid it or prepare for it.
When do you want to scroll Instagram? When do you want to eat sweets? When do you want to watch porn? Identify the past 10 times you did so and see if there is a common place, time, group of people, etc.
Then you can better prepare yourself for that moment or (like me) completely avoid it.
The best alternative
Going cold turkey can be difficult.
A less intense way of overcoming instant gratification is to find a better alternative to your desires.
For example, when I want sugar, like reealllyyyy want sugar, I try my hardest to eat fruit and dark chocolate instead of processed sugar.
I’m still caving into my emotions and desires and sometimes that leads to me binging on candy, but for the most part that alternative is a slightly better way to indulge.
Write your future self a letter
Holding yourself accountable is one of the most difficult aspects of making a change. If someone were there every time you wanted to eat candy and give you a pep talk to not do so, I’m sure life would be a lot better! But…that’s not the case.
For most, people usually instill accountability by texting their friends and letting them know or they obtain an “accountability partner.”
These things are fine, but it’s almost like watching a TV series with someone and only being able to watch it together.
Some days you want to get a head and want to keep binging, but you have to wait on your buddy, which stinks if your buddy never wants to watch the show or they’re too busy to watch the show.
With that system, you’re putting your accountability and progress into someone else’s hands.
Let me be clear! I’m not telling you don’t do it!
But I have found personally that one of the best sources of accountability is holding myself accountable – me to me.
One of the best ways I’ve been able to do that is by writing myself letters to your future self.
When I stopped drinking, I wrote a letter to myself 6 months into the future. I wrote about what I hoped to accomplish, what I wanted to do, the change of mindset I wanted to have.
Then, when things got really hard and I lost my purpose, I thought about that letter. I was going to open it in a few months no matter what, so what did I want to feel when I did?
It kept me going.
Something that hit even harder for me was writing a letter to my future children. This is something I now do once a year. It gives me a sense of purpose and drive every single time. I know that my kids will open those one day. So when they do, what do I want to feel? What do I want to say and show them when they ask me about what I wrote? Writing these letters helps me understand that the reason I stopped going sober wasn’t just to become a better person for me, but for the people I care about and will care about most.
Let’s f*cking go
It’s January 5, 2021.
You’ve set out some goals for yourself as the New Year has started and are looking to make some big changes in your life (finally).
You want to become a better person, a more healthy person, and a happier person.
You have weight loss goals, you’ve bought some gym equipment for the house, you want to save more money, you want to journal more and create better lifestyle habits overall.
When you sat down in December to create those plans, you forgot to plan out something crucial that will inevitably come in the way of your goals: what happens when you’re tempted to go off the deep end and away from your goals.
When obstacles and desires present themselves will this time be different?
Will your purpose be deep enough and mean enough to you to overcome the immediate desire?
Get after it. Give yourself grace. Be patient. Become who you know you should be. For you. Not anyone else.
BEFORE YOU GO!
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Potential 