Many of the writings I’ll be doing here are most likely the same thoughts and ideas from my like 4-5 years ago.
I’ve surrendered to alcohol completely this time and have given up trying to manage it in my life.
I don’t have that muscle, I don’t have that mindset, I don’t have that ability to have a few and call it a night. Ever.
I can go on about the risk/reward, who I’ve hurt, money I’ve wasted, the list of reasons why can continue on down a few scrolls of this page.
All I know is I’m grateful I get another opportunity at life and with those I love, despite the hurt and pain I’ve caused.
One day at a time.
As I’ve settled in, I’ve already realize again how much of a mental toll drinking took on me.
Not just from the hangovers or stupid shit I did when I was drinking (which was every time I drank and I was drinking a lot recently).
But more around the management of drinking.
My head was constantly filled with thoughts of how I was going to be able to drink without totally losing it, which never happened.
Thoughts like:
- How many should I have at this event?
- If I drink Friday, can I recover enough for work on Monday?
- I’ll start a timer on my watch so I more evenly space out when I have drinks…that’ll do it. Proceeds to use the watch 1 time then all hell breaks loose.
- I don’t want to drink, but I have events X, Y, and Z…I know I’m going to drink, how can I make sure I don’t go too far?
There are so many more.
The bottom line is, I thought about alcohol even when I wasn’t drinking. The planning, the anxiety, the coordination, all took up soooo much of my mind share.
The past week, I’ve been able to turn my mind to the things I love:
- Writing
- Talking to friends / family
- Listening to audiobooks
- Sleeping through the night!
- Looking at investing
My mental capacity is opening back up to things that give me life.
One day at a time.
-EC
Potential 