Change is tough.
It’s tough because to make a change, you have to deal with some brutally harsh truths that you probably don’t like to hear.
We all want progress, but progress is excruciating. Systems are actually built to make sure individually we don’t progress.
Billions of dollars are spent to make sure we don’t feel worthy, we don’t feel adequate, and we don’t feel empowered.
Despite some of these systemic issues, at the individual level there’s usually still more we can do and change than we think, but we don’t because it’s easy to create lies for ourselves.
“I don’t have a problem with drinking, everyone is doing it! I don’t even drink as much as this other person…”
“No way I can wake up earlier, I am just not a morning person.”
“I just don’t have the genetics to get in shape, I’ll always be a bigger person.”
All lies.
We tell ourselves these lies to make ourselves feel better, but that feeling is only temporary. When we know we need to make a change to become a better person (whatever that is to you), the feeling soon goes away and the negative feelings will flood in. They’ll stick around day after day, year after year.
We’ll continue on and push through by using those comforting, yet false, narratives. But the pain that seeps in when we don’t deal with the problems we know we need to will soon become more intense as time goes on.
For me, the first problem I had to deal with was drinking. The list of reasons and excused I had to justify my drinking was insanely long. But eventually I realized that I had a major issue and needed to change (check out how I realized that here).
I didn’t make any changes until I sat down, took a hard look at the life I was living, and then began dealing with the hard truths of the situation I was in.
It was messy, but I made the decision to go through the pain of change and introspection now rather than deal with the continued pain and suffering of excuses, stagnation, and disappointment later.
So here are the hard truths I told myself to understand my drinking issue and, ultimately, deal with it.
ONE: This problem is your fault
Are there forces up against you? Yes.
Were you told that this behavior was okay and actually recommended when you were young? Yes.
But didn’t you know the issues with drinking? That it was a drug? That it’s addictive? Absolutely yes.
It’s easy to point fingers, but at the end of the day you knew the bad and the good behind drinking and consistently chose to drink. And drink a lot.
In sports and in relationships, no one likes someone who just blames others for their problems. It’s time to step up and deal with the issues you created for yourself.
TWO: Nothing will ever be as fun as drinking
Let’s be real. Nothing will be as fun as you were drinking.
It’s a drug that’s geared to making sure you have the greatest time ever. It makes you seem invincible, creates a false sense of courage, and is for real such a blast. It was the epitome of easy instant gratification.
Anyone can drink and be fun.
But on the other end, how terrible was drinking after the fact? Waking up embarrassed, feeling like shit, hungover, and upset. Being afraid to look at your bank account or the texts you sent, or even look at your friends in the face because of what you might have said or done blacked out. That’s not too fun.
Sure drinking was fun, but maybe your definition of fun is a bit twisted?
You can always find new ways to connect and enjoy the company of others, but it won’t be the same as when you were drinking. You’ll have to find new ways to do that, but it’s possible.
And that’s the whole point.
THREE: There will always be “one more event”
If I had a nickel every time I said, “ok, one more weekend then I’ll go sober. Then I’ll change” ….I’d have like $500 (10,000 times…that’s a lot).
I’d continually push off not drinking to the next week, but then next week would come and there’d be no change. I was placing responsibility on my future self instead of my present self. I did that enough times and it became easier and easier to push things off.
It’s sort of like telling yourself at the gym that “you’ll do abs at home.” Let’s be real.
Change has to start somewhere, so why not the very next event? Why not now?
FOUR: No one deserves the hurt you put on them when you drink*
*Or put another way. No one deserves your bullshit.
I normalized drinking so much that I actually thought I was justified in some of the actions I was partaking in.
People taking care of me, me saying cruel or dishonest things to people, or taking anger out on others when drinking. All things I didn’t blink an eye at most times because “that was just the drunk me…I didn’t mean it.”
You have your issues and problems, but no one deserves to feel the negative impact of your inability to deal with your problems.
But I was too close-minded and egotistical to realize that other’s have their problems too and I was possibly one of them.
I was being selfish, having the time of my life, but hurting others in the process. That is not ok.
FIVE: You will lose friends
To change your behavior you have to change your actions, and that will mean not going to the things you used to or hanging out with some of the people you used to.
This is not a bad thing. If you only hung out with certain person while drinking, are they really your friend? Are you missing out on anything if that relationship dissolves?
One of your main worries is people close to you not accepting your change and not wanting to hang out with you or invite you to things anymore. If that really is the case, then are they someone you want to be around?
I can stay now being sober, I lost friends. But I didn’t lose one friend that I cared about and that cared about me. Quality over quantity.
SIX: Someone who has had it way worse is way stronger
Despite how tough of a time I was going through or still go through, I always think about those men and women who defied greater odds.
For so long, I used my problems as excuses to keep me in the exact same position. I would look at people who had money and think, “probably got it from their parents” or people with success as “lucky.”
Those things may be true in some circumstances, but I was only giving myself a reason to dive into destructive behaviors and not work on myself.
Someone always has it worse, so be appreciative of your circumstances.
Someone who had it worse is further along than you, so get to it.
Someone has it better, what does complaining about it do?
(BONUS)
SEVEN: You won’t become more successful
…in the traditional sense.
I first wanted to stop drinking so that I could make more money, be more in shape, and have an easy life. But going sober does not lead to that. Well, it aat least does not guarantee it.
Going sober has actually been a more difficult life for me in a lot of ways. Externally, I haven’t moved much. If you took a look at the guy I was 650+ days ago and the guy I am now, I’m not much more wealthy or don’t have a better title at work or have any of the other metrics of success used by people to measure others.
Going sober is an internal battle that consists of internal, personal victories.
It’s hard to measure that success internally.
Success to me for the most part has to deal with how I look at myself in the mirror, the daily story I tell myself (positive ones), and how I set my alarm for 4 a.m. with excitement to get up the next day and live life.
How do you measure the success of that? You can’t.
Conclusion
I think we all want to do remarkable things and are built to do so. To me, overcoming personal obstacles is the most remarkable things any of us can do.
But the challenge lies in allowing ourselves to create the narrative of our lives rather than having someone else do it.
For too long I allowed others to dictate my worth, leaving me chasing the approval and love of others. I was chasing something empty and fleeting.
Worth is best measured by the self.
Improving worth is dealing with yourself, even when it’s ugly.
Want to figure out how I turned these hard truths into action? I created a course that guides you through how I took what I discussed above, plus other exercises and realizations, to go more than two years sober and overcome my destructive habit of drinking. Check out the course here.
Potential 